My name is Coldsteel the Hedgeheg
by Coldsteel666
Summary: In which we are introduced to Coldsteel the Hedgeheg, who, after defeating Sonic in battle, finds himself in a strange new world in a weak new body. Coldsteel realizes that if he is alive in a new reality, Sonic might be too, and he may have to defeat Sonic in battle using strange new creatures called Pokémon to do it.
1. My name is Coldsteel the Hedgeheg

My name is Coldsteel the Hedgeheg. And I was born with a special power.

The last thing I remember is defeating and killing Sonic the Hedgehog, and then… nothing. I have a new body, of which I have no memory of having been in before. It's definitely not a hedgeheg body, and it's not nearly as strong as the body I used to have. I'm not even sure I have my special power. I don't have spines or my Jinco jeans or my long nails or my earrings and earrings aren't girly by the way, fuck you. I also have a left ear again, which I had originally lost in my battle against Sonic. And in spite of my current appearance, I still have all of my memories of being in the Sonic Fighting Academy, and being the strongest of my class. Memories of a life I lived in a completely different body.

My first memories in the reality in which I live now is of me starting a video conference call. I don't have any memories of this new reality prior to that. Did my memories overwrite those of the body I'm in now, or did this reality not exist before I came here? How did any of this happen? I don't know the answer to any of this. All I know is that this is all loser nerd shit. I'm not a loser nerd, I was born with a special power to fight in the Sonic Military.

The recipient of the aforementioned video conference call is some loser named Professor Kukui. I find out that I'm scheduled to move to Alola soon, which means nothing to me, and that they've got these things called Pokemon there. I don't care about Pokémon, whatever they are. I care about stuff like being badass and motorcycles and hurting people and killing and girls with big boobys who are sluts and the colour purple (the cool kind, not the gay kind).

Professor Boredom goes on and on about Pokémon and something suddenly catches my attention. Pokémon can be used in battle! Obviously I wouldn't need to use them if I was in my true Hedgeheg form, but as I am now, this could be perfect. These Pokémon, whatever Pokémon are, could be just the tools I need to defeat Sonic the Hedgehog, should I ever encounter my archnemesis again in my current form. And now I just need to find him.

Is Coldsteel the Hedgeheg's memories inside a guy who's a loser who doesn't even wear Jinco Jeans, or a girl with a stupid hat who's a loser who doesn't even wear Jinco Jeans?

\- Guy who's a loser who doesn't even wear Jinco Jeans

 **\- Girl with a stupid hat who's a loser who doesn't even wear Jinco Jeans**

And what does Coldsteel look like in this body?

 **\- White skin with blond hair and blue eyes. Coldsteel's dad, Hitler, would approve.**

\- White skin with black hair and dark eyes. Coldsteel can look just like their dad.

\- Mexican or something. Would kinda make the family reunion rather awkward.

\- Black skin and black hair to match Coldsteel's black heart.

And now, I need to come up with a name. I cannot use the name Coldsteel the Hedgeheg because that would tell Sonic who I am and allow him to ambush me before I can attack him first. But what name to use? Blood_skull_girl84? No, that name would not work, as awesome as it would be.

And then I realise what the perfect name would be. Elise. A name to bait Sonic out of hiding, if he was alive in this reality. He would be all but forced to reveal himself to me, yet I would not have to reveal myself until I found the perfect moment to strike. Ambushing your opponent to win your battles was a skill I learnt in the Sonic Military and that skill will serve me well here. Nuthin' personnel, kid.


	2. I was Born with a Special Power

I spend the next several months learning all I can before I decide to embark on an adventure to capture the strongest Pokémon to aid me in glorious and bloody battle against Sonic the Hedgehog. I take my time to study Pokémon and strategy and the new world I inhabit.

The first thing I learn is that my face is nearly unable to make any expression at all. I'm not sure if this is due to some genetic defect of the body I inhabit, or a result of the process where my memories were brought into this body and this reality. In any case, my face is almost permanently stuck into one single expression for the entire time. You can be a badass and ride motorcycles and hurt and kill people and listen to Nine Inch Nails while having nine-inch nails without facial expressions, so whatever.

I also take the time to study Pokémon. If I'm going to use Pokémon to defeat Sonic, I'll need to understand Pokémon better than Sonic does. I study typing, movesets, team strategy and team synergy. Pokémon was not part of the curriculum in the Sonic Fighting Academy, so there are many new things to learn. There's a lot to learn but I'm so much better than everyone else that it's easy for me to understand it all. I was the strongest in my class, after all.

The question of what Pokémon are the strongest is an important one to answer, and it readily becomes apparent that the glorious Kanto region is the best region in the Pokémon world, and the strongest Pokémon are the original 151 Pokémon from Kanto. Plus Alolan-Exeggutor. And why use anything but the best? I'll use the original 151 Pokemon to defeat Sonic the Hedgehog again. You can't beat me, Sonic, I'm the best.


	3. I was Stronger than All My Classmates

Now, the day I have been waiting for has finally arrived. I'm about to start my adventure as a Pokémon trainer, and Alola has many strong Kanto Pokémon for me to create a team with. I am excited, even if my face can only show a blank and emotionless expression.

My mother's pet Pokémon, Meowth, wakes me up. I take a look around the room and check out the book my father left me. It has some basic advice on how to go about a Pokémon adventure, which should be helpful for me.

I wonder if Hitler was the father of this body too. It might provide some partial explanation as to why I'm in it, if that were true.

I leave my bedroom to see my mother in the living room. I never had a mother until a few months ago. I was born with a special power, after all. Now that I have a mother, it seems I didn't miss out on much. I hate my mother, she doesn't understand me at all. She doesn't get the darkness that lies within my heart, the pain and anguish I suffer, the difference between Jinco Jeans and Levis, or even what type of purple is cool and what type of purple is gay. I can barely stand her. How can someone be so clueless?

My mother asks me if I'm excited about catching Pokémon in Alola. Yeah, and I'm also excited to be leaving you behind.

We have a visitor, and I get the door. It's the Pokémon Professor turns up to our house. He tells me we're going to visit a Kahuna, which is apparently a quality Pokémon trainer, and get me a starter Pokémon. Sweet, I want to pick a Charmander and train up a badass dragon with huge nails.

I quickly get dressed - my clothes are shit but hopefully I'll be able to buy some cool stuff later like purple shirts and Jinco Jeans and earrings - and leave. Time to start the hunt for Sonic the Hedgehog. Later, losers.


	4. I Served in the Sonic Military

Professor Kukui takes me on a quick trip through Route 1 to meet the Kahuna and get my Pokémon. There are a few pointless detours on the way. A kid trainer stops Kukui to ask for advice, and he's obviously bad at Pokémon. There's also a Pokémon battle going on that we momentarily stop to watch, but it looks pretty lame. They're not even using quality Pokémon from the Kanto region, best region in the Pokémon world.

Once we're at Ten Carat Hill and the trial site, Kukui instructs me to find the Kahuna, with some vague description about what a Kakuna is, and that I'll probably find the Kahuna in the Trial site. This shouldn't be a problem, I learned how to track and hunt targets down in the Sonic Military.

As I'm heading to the trial area, I see a young blond girl entering the trial itself, carrying a large bag. She's not very good-looking, it looks like puberty took one look at Lillie and said "lol I'll pass", since she's as flat as an ironing board. I only like girls with big boobys who are sluts so I don't really want to waste any time with her.

I enter the trial itself, ironing-board is ahead of me. The trial is a single, winding path that climbs up through the mountain, so I don't even need to use my elite Sonic Military skills to track down the Kahuna here.

I come to an open area. There's a canyon in front of me, a river running far below. Over the river, reaching to the other side of the canyon, is a flimsy wood-and-rope bridge. Ironing-board girl is in front of me, and in the middle of the bridge is some random weak Pokémon, cowering beneath three superior Spearows from Kanto. It turns out the random weak Pokémon is a Nebby, owned by Ironing board, and she wants me to save her Pokémon because she's a goddamn pussy and can't do it herself. I don't care for weak Pokémon, I don't care for weak people, and I don't care for Ironing Board in particular, but maybe Ironing Board has some slutty friends with big boobys. I'll help her out, I'm generous like that.


	5. We Had A Saying in the Sonic Military

I run out over the bridge, the wooden planks creaking as I make my way towards the middle, where Nebby is cowering. I reach the pathetic Nebby and huddle over it, protecting it from the superior swooping Spearow from Kanto, best region in the Pokemon world. Suddenly, it starts to emit a bright light. The bridge snaps, and we begin to fall. I grab hold of the Nebby as I do so. The Spearows fly away in panic.

As I fall, I wonder if this is how I'll die, without knowing if I truly defeated my nemesis, Sonic the Hedgehog. Apart from having the sex with lots and lots of hot girls with big boobys and defeating Sonic the Hedgehog, it's been a pretty shit life.

Suddenly, a strange creature swoops in to pick us both up, saving our lives, and puts us back on solid land near Ironing Board. The strange creature eyes myself, the Nebby, and the ironing board off, and suddenly flies away.

Ironing board thanks me for not being a pussy like her, when she should literally push me to the wall, shove her ****** down my ****** and her ******* down my ******* to find my ******** and ******* it to bring me to ******** ******* fucking ****** right there and then for almost dying on an errand she sent me on in her place because she's such a goddamn pussy. And we still wouldn't be even. Bitch. Instead, she hands me a stone she apparently found on the ground and tell me it's probably mine. It's not. Fuck you, Ironing Board, I don't even want to talk to you any more.

We both leave the trial together, since the bridge is gone and we can't cross over to the other side and the only way is back. I don't want to go back with Ironing Board but it's not like I have a choice, since we're leaving at the same time and there's only one path out.

Upon exiting the trial, I meet the Kahuna, and The Sonic Military succeeds in its mission again. Remember the Sonic Military Motto: "you can run, but you'll only die tired."

The Kahuna, a giant, fat man, mentions seeing Tapu Koko, and we share the story of meeting it.

Now it's time to get a starter. I'm really hyped for this, I've been waiting to get a Charmander for months now.


	6. You Can Run, But You'll Only Die Tired

What the fuck is this fucking goddamn fucking shit.


	7. And Kevin Robinson from School is a POS

Okay, now I've gotten the disappointment of no Charmander being offered out of the road, I'll tell you what I actually had to get.

There's an gay emo edgelord version of Growlithe for the fire starter. There's a water type Pokémon which looks like a drag queen version of Seel. And, lastly, the grass starter is somehow a bird, which is so stupid I'd swear Kevin Robinson from school came up with it. Heck, all of them are so stupid, and I bet Kevin Robinson would love it all. By the way, Kevin, since I know you're reading this: fuck you Kevin stop showing everyone my story you peace of shit.

Is it really too hard to offer Charmander as a fourth alternative? For, like, people without abysmally shit taste? I'm sure I'm not the only one that wanted Charmander instead, since Charizard is the best starter Pokémon after all. Charizard not being an option, I pick the bird instead. I just want to see how that stupidity actually works.

Apparently after I select the grass starter, though, there needs to be a ceremony where the grass starter selects me. What is this shit? You don't have a wedding ceremony when you pick a gun to use in COD, so why would you have a bonding ceremony in Pokémon?

Apparently the grass bird picks me though, so it obviously agrees with me that bonding ceremonies and friendship are crap and a Pokémon's primary use is killing and hurting. Fucking sweet.

"You'll surely be friends for life", the Kahuna says. But here's the problem. My starter isn't from Kanto, best region in the Pokémon world. I don't care how bloodthirsty it is if it's not going to be any good at being a living, trainable weapon, so I'm boxing this fucker as soon as I catch a Kanto Pokémon.

Professor Kukui hands me a Pokédex. It will apparently help me hunt down Pokémon and stuff. We never had anything like this in the Sonic Military, but it seems like a simple enough tool, and rather handy too. Nice.

As I make my way to leave, a young boy spots my starter Pokémon, and decides to challenge me. He's apparently named Hau. Yeah, no, I'm not battling until I get at least one Kanto pokemon in my team. But Hau won't let me leave. Glorious and bloody battle it is then.

Lillie, in the background and still an annoyance, says that she's against Pokémon battles but she'll watch anyway. Fucking what. How can you be told you can use living weapon creatures for battle and actually say: "no thanks, I'm such a pussy faggot I'll pass?" It's like being an American and not owning a dozen different firearms. If I were that pathetic I'd kill myself and hope that the Buddhists were right about reincarnation.

The battle commences, Hau sends out the drag queen Pokémon starter.

Wait wait wait wait wait. Let's take a moment to process this.

I have the grass starter. Hau knows I have the grass starter. Hau has the water starter. He knows he has the water starter. Surely.

Water does half damage to grass (MLG tip #1). And grass does double damage to water (MLG tip #2).

It shouldn't come as any surprise, but it turns out when you have a type disadvantage against your opponent and your opponent has a type advantage, you get fucking wrecked. Victory get. Hau seems surprised at my skill in battle, and given his intelligence in instigating such a one-sided matchup, I'm not sure if he's being sarcastic or thinks that I'm legit good. Whatever, who cares what losers think anyway.

After the battle, the Kahuna spots the stone I got from Lillie and asks for it. He'll apparently give it back tomorrow, but I know a shakedown when I experience one. The stone was garbage and I have my first Pokémon. Pretty soon, I might even find a decent one from Kanto. There were all those Spearow about before, after all.

Now, it's time to go hunt some superior Kanto Pokémon. I'd say wish me luck but I'm so great I don't need it. Later.


	8. Because Kevin Robinson is a Total Loser

I head back home, because apparently I need to show my mother my Pokémon. Pfft, whatever.

My mother asks why I chose this Pokémon. The proper answer is that they didn't have a Charmander on offer. I suppose I should be polite though, because I can at least use it to catch some proper, strong Kanto region Pokémon. I try to think of a non-faggot answer and I can't think of anything. "It's cool?" I say hesitantly. At least I didn't say it was because it was cute. Fuck, forget I said anything. It's like I went full Kevin Robinson for a moment.

My mother, however, unironically thinks my starter is cute and cool. Oh my god that sounds so fucking lame.

Well, anyway, it's time to go to bed to recover. I hate this new body of mine, it's pathetic and weak and so frail. I used to be able to go full-speed for days when I was in the Sonic Military in my proper hedgeheg body. It does have its upsides though, I really like that I have boobys now. I mean, I'd hate to be stuck in a transgender body like Lillie, who doesn't have anything at all.

The next day, Kukui comes to collect me. We're off to some festival to celebrate Pokémon or something. Maybe I'll catch a good Kanto Pokémon or two at it, which sounds really good to me.

Kukui decides to teach me how to catch a Pokémon. To catch a Pokémon you hurt it first, and I love hurting stuff, so this will be fun. After that you throw a Pokéball at the victim and lock it away so you can train it and use it against your enemies, like Sonic the Hedgehog or Kevin Robinson from school. I also get ten Pokéballs to start with. Thanks, Professor, it turns out you're not entirely useless.

So the first Pokémon I beat up and ensnare is a superior Kanto Caterpie. It has a Timid nature, which makes sense since it's so weak and frail, but it's not a nature I'd approve of. Perhaps it will change after some rigorous training from me. At the end of its training, it evolves into a Metapod, which now does some meaty hits against the local Pokémon. Suck it, scrub mons. My Metapod is still Timid, though. I train it some more, but its nature remains unchanged. Coldsteel does not approve of this nature, Coldsteel cannot tolerate timid people or timid Pokémon.

There are a few trainers on the first route along the way. One of them claims to have a sister, who turns out to be a… caterpie? Apparently there's a lot I don't know about this world. After defeating it with Metapod, it turns out the Caterpie has been with the girl since birth. Well, that makes more sense than someone giving birth to a Caterpie and a girl. But goddamn, she fucking sucks so hard she might as well change her name to Kevin Robinson. It took me twenty minutes training my Caterpie to get a Metapod, she's a teenager and she's only got a Caterpie, her efforts have been pathetic.

I finally reach the festival, which has just started. Good timing. There's a very special surprise: I get to beat up Hau's Pokémon again. And it's not even my birthday.

Apparently the fight is meant to sate the bloodlust of Tapu Koko, the creature that rescued me from drowning and Lillie's gross negligence. Apparently this is a big deal too, since a whole bunch of people turn up to watch glorious and bloody battle. You know, if we can have a bloodlust ceremony like this, society is alright sometimes. Let's get this show started.

Hau has a new Pokémon with him called a Pichu. It doesn't have much that it can do to Metapod except Charm and Growl, but Metapod takes it out. This is the power of the first 151 Pokémon, in plain sight. Hau's next Pokémon is his starter Pokémon, and my stupid grassbird deals with the drag seal rather easily for the second time. Nuthin' personnel, kid. This is just what the strongest graduate of the Sonic Fighting Academy can do.

There's a roar over the field, it seems that Tapu Koko approves of glorious and bloody battle. I like it already.

After the battle, the Kahuna tells me that I should take care of my Pokémon. Well, I'd clean my firearms to make sure they were always in optimal condition before a fight, after all, so I should make sure my Pokémon are in tip-top battle condition too. That makes sense.

There's apparently something called an Island challenge, which I'm told I can undertake, and it turns out it's the perfect opportunity to help hunt Sonic. I'd visit a whole bunch of areas, which means new options in my arsenal of monster weapons, and makes it more likely for Sonic to find me, and I get to train my Pokémon to be better-able to take down Sonic.

It's perfect. Perfect! Mwahahahahahahaha. You can't win, Sonic. I'm coming for you.


	9. And You Can't Outrun the Sonic Military

After the festival, I need to go home and rest for the evening again. Progress has been made in developing living weapons to defeat the Hedgehog but it is not nearly enough. Curse my pathetic and weak human body for not keeping up with me.

The next day, Ironing Board comes to visit. It's really inconsiderate of her - I want advanced warning if she is coming to see me so I can prepare myself if she tries to do something retardedly stupid again.

The Lillie problem is rather easily fixed, though. I decide to head north, away from Lillie. I'll just sneak around her and go do my own shit, away from her. Anyway, following Lillie isn't going to lead to anything good happening, not after last fucking time with my near death-by-drowning.

Apparently, Lillie says I can't go that way and I need to follow her. And I know if I keep on going I'll have to hear that whiny shrew voice shout at me as I go that way and I can't possibly stand that at all. It would be worse than Trent Razner's singing. Hey Trent Razner, if you're reading this: your singing sucks. Get some cues off some good singers like the lead singer of "Nine Inch Nails".

I try heading around my house, and then heading north, and Lillie yells at me once again. Okay, I'll go a different way you harpy.

I try heading west, and I'm stopped by an old man with a Tauros. What is this shit? Control your fucking weapon monster. Or even just put it in its Pokéball so I can pass, you shouldn't hold me up just because you can't control your animal. I could easily beat it if I were in my highly-honed military Hedgeheg body, but in my weak girl's body without any guns? Not a chance.

It looks like I'll have to follow Lillie. Sigh. Whatever. Here's my question, and this is a good question, I think - why would a girl who's a two want to draw attention to themselves?

Anyway, we're heading off to meet the Professor. Why bother, I've already got a Pokémon, it's time to start building an awesome team and preparing to take on my archnemesis, Sonic.

In keeping with needing to train to take on Sonic, I take the time to train up my Metapod into a Butterfree, which learns Gust on evolving. Now that I have a Pokémon that has powered up and reached its final form, it's time to take a quick trip back home to rest up.

I reach home, and my mother is inside, complaining about unpacking. We've been there for three months, our house has three rooms, my mother has no job, and she's still not finished unpacking. Good work, mother. Glad to see you're so dedicated to the one task you have to complete.

Now that my monster weapon is trained and ready, it's time to take on one of the local trainers.

It turns out this trainer's name is Kevin.

Fuck me, I think it might be Kevin Robinson from school. If this peace of shit is in Alola then that's surely the best evidence I've found yet that Sonic must be too. The resemblance to Kevin Robinson is uncanny – apart from having the same name, Kevin in Alola looks like a little cum stain, just like Kevin Robinson does.

And now, it's time for a true test of my skill as a monster weapon trainer. Myself versus Kevin Robinson.

PS. Fuck you Kevin, stop showing everyone my fanfic dot net story.


	10. Sonic Military: Cream of the Sonic Force

In front of me stands Kevin Robinson from School. He's a fucking retarded faggot and no-one likes him. And he's the reason his parents are divorced. If I had been unlucky in having my thoughts and personality inserted into that of a weak teenage girl, then Kevin had been completely shafted in having his thoughts and personality inserted into a young child that was just as ugly and retarted as he was. It couldn't have happened to a person I hated more and I love it.

Well, it's probably Kevin Robinson, anyway. They both have the same first name and they both look like cum stains.

By the way, Kevin: fuck you.

We're encountered eachother in a world entirely different to that in which we used to live, and yet here we are. Mortal enemies. An epic standoff. About to engage eachother in glorious battle in a way that neither of us had ever even envisioned existed a few months ago – battling eachother with trained attack monsters.

Sometimes life is pretty fucking sweet and it doesn't even have to involve naked girls who are sluts with big boobys.

Next to Kevin is a Pokémon called a Grubbin. It's a small, brightly-coloured bug Pokemon with somewhat large mandibles. And while people say that size isn't everything, those people either have small cocks or girlfriends with small boobys and don't want to upset them. Everyone else knows just how wrong that is. And right now, it looks like Kevin has a very small cock indeed.

Beside me, the Butterfree I've trained from a Caterpie - a huge butterfly, black-and-white wings, purple body, large red eyes, large black antennae. This battle with Kevin Robinson is the first big test Butterfree and I have had as trainers. Hau doesn't count because Hau is a nobody and if you're challenging someone with a water Pokémon when you know they have a grass Pokémon you fucking suck and it's not worth bragging about beating you.

Kevin and I stare eachother down, our Pokémon at our side.

Kevin Robinson commands his Grubbin to attack my Pokemon. I command my Butterfree to use Gust on his Grubbin.

I can feel the surge of dark power that only comes from being part of the original 151 Kanto Pokémon coursing through Butterfree's body. Butterfree begins to make powerful beats of its wings. The dark powers dwelling inside Butterfree stir the air around it in strange and unusual ways. With a final powerful wingbeat, Butterfree blasts the agitated gust of air at Kevin's Grubbin.

The airblast hits the Grubbin, and I see it physically recoil and keel over. Knocked the fuck out in one hit. Get fucking wrecked, Kevin, you fucking suck.

That was pretty damn cool. Now it's time to go visit the Professor. Later, losers.


	11. The Elite of the Elite

I take the time to train my Butterfree some more, and it learns Confusion, then Sleep Powder and Poison Powder. I also beat some of the local trainers with the dark powers of the original 151 Pokémon that Butterfree is able to harness.

After that, I manage to catch up to Ironing Board out the front of a broken-down beach shack. It turns out the shack is the professor's residence and laboratory. Lillie tells me that her Nebby is nicknamed Cosmog – I can't honestly say I care – and Ironing Board asks me to keep her Cosmog a secret from other people. Why is Ironing Board pretending I should care about her problems or that she wants to nickname her Pokémon Cosmog? I'm not trying to fuck her and why else would you listen to a girl talk about anything? Whatever, I just agree so the conversation will be over.

Ironing Board and I head inside and meet up with Professor Kukui. He's roughhousing with a Pokémon called a Rockruff. It's not from Kanto, so Kukui doesn't have to worry about much besides a torn lab coat. If Rockruff had been one of the original 151, like my Butterfree, Kukui wouldn't be standing there so casually.

Professor Kukui decides to power up my Pokedex with some random shitmon called a Rotom. I eagerly open it, since the Pokedex has a lot of deficiencies and could easily be fixed. Maybe it might have data like levelling and breeding movepools, stats, abilities, evolutionary data. You know, useful stuff.

Nope.

I get a shitty GPS system with an annoying voice built into it. It actually feels like I've downgraded my Pokedex. Thanks for nothing, Professor.

Hau comes in and there's a conversation between Hau, Ironing Board and Professor Kukui about friendship and helping people out. What a load of garbage. I don't have friends, I just have people I haven't been bothered to kill yet. As for helping people out, I've helped plenty of people out. I've sent all of them ammunition at high speed. Like Sonic the Hedgehog. Heh heh heh.

The professor tells me about island challenges, gives me an Island Challenge Amulet, which I'll need for some reason for the challenge, and my next stop as a trainer is the Pokémon Trainer's School.

On my way back up Route 101 towards the Pokémon Trainer's School to the Trainer's School, I take the time to stop and catch a Slowpoke and train it up a few levels. It's Brave, which will allow it to work as a mixed attacker. Nice.

Now, I'm off to the trainer's school. It's time to start giving people an education on Pokemon. Hopefully through violence.

 **Current Team**

Slowpoke. L10, Brave. Moveset - Curse, Yawn, Tackle, Water Gun

Butterfree. L13, Timid. Moveset - Poison Powder, Sleep Powder, Confusion, Gust

Rowlett. Who cares about it, it's getting boxed.


	12. We're Always Ready For Action

I make my way back north, towards my house. The Tauros isn't in the way any more, so I'm free to make my way west, unimpeded, towards the Pokémon Trainer's School. Got places to go, got to follow my rainbow. There's a Pokémon centre on the way there, and Ironing Board is out front. I've no choice but to go past her if I want to go to the Trainer's School.

However, I can't follow my rainbow for too long. Ironing Board stops me, deciding for both of us that I need to be shown around the Pokémon centre, unrequested, as if I'm retarded like Hau or herself. Fuck off, you condescending bitch. Who the fuck doesn't know how a Pokémon centre works?

I'm not even going to bore you with her showing me around the Centre. Just because I suffered doesn't mean you have to too.

There are two bits of good news, though. Finally, I don't have to go home to heal my Pokémon any more. Goodbye Mother, won't be seeing you again any time soon. Secondly, I can put the stupid grass bird in my PC. It's not part of the original 151 or Alolan-Exeggutor, and it isn't strong enough for me to keep in my team. Anyway, I need to keep space on my team for more powerful Pokémon like Brave Slowpoke and Butterfree.

Lillie leaves me alone and heads off to the Trainer's School. Finally. Guess who's not going to school? This hedgeheg, that's who.

I leave the Pokémon centre, and the Pokémon Trainer's School is just ahead. I spot Lillie standing with the Professor, and a hot woman with short, dark hair, glasses and nice boobys and reminds me of quite a few women I've slept with. Wow, guess who wants to go to school now and get a hands-on education? This hedgeheg, that's who. Heh heh heh.

I reach the school and meet Professor Kukui, harpy and the vision of hotness I spotted before. She introduces herself as being a teacher named Emily. I can almost give her my whole attention and ignore the harpy nearby, except the harpy keeps on interrupting us. Fuck off, adults are talking here.

Professor Kukui tells me that to graduate I need to go beat up four trainers. Wait a minute, this is actually awesome. I thought this school would be boring shit like studying and taking exams but I can get behind this. There might even be some money and maybe some quality time with a hot woman too.

I take the time to explore the grounds near the trainer's school and catch a Magnemite. Since I know Magneton is kinda slow, I make sure it has a Timid nature to make sure it can outspeed everything it possibly can. I then take the time to train it up, and it learns Magnet Bomb and Light Screen.

Now, I'm ready. Time to get this education on the road.


	13. Kevin Robinson Stop No-Lifing my Fanfic

Kevin Robinson can you get a life and stop no-lifing my fanfic.


	14. And We Always Get the Job Done

Now I have a team of three quality Kanto Pokémon, it's time to get back to the challenge. Four kids, four BTFOs to bag. And try to spend some quality time with my hot teacher Emily, preferably with as little clothing as possible. Beating up kids for lunch money seems easy enough, so I decide to do that first. It turns out that it is rather easy. The first three aren't even a challenge. There's one random digimon called a Bonsly that uses copycat to steal Slowpoke's Water Gun to use against the water-type Slowpoke. Pro strats, fam.

There's a fourth trainer, who had been waiting for me to beat the other three before he'd accept a challenge from me. He opens with the line: "it's cool to be strong." Wow, finally someone that might be good for some quality training. I'm excited.

They send out Alola-Grimer. Lol, they suck so bad they don't even know how much they suck.

Slowpoke wins by using Water Gun several times – it's still in training, after all - and Alola-Grimer doesn't have much of a response. Easy win.

My opponent, after losing, says that if he can't aim for good, he'll try being pretty instead. His battle skills suck, so it's going to be hard to raise the money he needs, and cosmetic surgery is going to be expensive, since he's rather on the ugly side. Nuthin' personnel, kid. Press "f" to pay respects.

He also gives me the TM Work Up, which doesn't work for any of my Pokémon, but hey, free gift. Nice.

Suddenly, a call comes out over the school's PA system. It's my teacher Emily and I'm being called to see her. Fucking sweet. Looks like it's time to start on the second job, which should be much more enjoyable.

Lillie comes up and asks me what I've done wrong. Nothing… yet. Give us five minutes alone and I'll come up with a few things. Heh heh heh.

The Rotom that was installed in my Pokedex pipes up and calls me a naughty girl for being called to the office. I sexually identify as a male hedgeheg and I'm trapped inside a girl's body, so my life is weird enough already. I don't need anthropromorphic appliances saying weird kinky shit to me.

Time to give that bitch a Pokémon battle. Bitches love Pokémon battles. I decide that my most solid Pokémon is Magnemite, and I put it in the lead of my party.

I manage to find Emily, and she congratulates me on my victories – it's nice to know she's been keeping watch on me, even if I didn't see her – and she challenges me to a Pokémon battle. Pokémon battles are how Pokémon trainers do foreplay, just so you know.

I send out my Magnemite. She sends out her own Magnemite. She obviously knows the dark powers that the original 151 have access to. Oh, and she has big boobys. Emily is definitely my kind of woman.

I start the match by using Magnemite's "barrier", and she doesn't really have an answer to that. It's a bit of a battle, since neither of us have moves that aren't not-very-effective against the other, but in the end, my magnemite easily beats hers.

After that, I wonder what her second Pokémon would be from such a tough trainer. It turns out to be a meowth, but one that's devolved by being in Alola. What a letdown. After the relative challenge that was Magnemite, it's an easy win.

Emily gives me some blue balls for winning. Just as we're about to get started with what happens after foreplay, Professor Kukui and a random shows up. I've been fucking cockblocked. Well, so to speak, I can't really get blocked that way any more. Press "f" to pay respects.

It turns out the random is some trial captain and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I don't care. I hate you both so much, you've ruined my quality time with the teacher. And I was so close to getting it on too. Or off, to be more truthful.

After the conversation, we head down to the entrance, where it's time to say goodbye to everyone. The losers I beat decide to give me advice – and why would you want losers to give you advice? All of the keks.

Time to ditch this shithole. Later.


End file.
